#64 - Asking for a Friend: Navigating disorganized and anxious partnerships

Hi Karolina,

My partner has a disorganized attachment style and I have an anxious attachment style. Sometimes when we are triggered it feels like I’m being pushed away energetically, often through shortness in our interactions. My response is usually to give them lots of space and not engage, which worked best for us in the past. But now we are learning that my partner actually needs me to move closer, ask them about it, and connect. I struggle to do this because of my upbringing – if someone was upset it was best for me to stay out of the way. I know my partner wants more engagement when they are upset, but I can’t recall that in the moment and have the complete opposite reaction. It has been coming up for us a lot, we keep seeing the pattern but not much is changing in the moments. What are your suggestions for us?

 

Hi there my friend,

Such a great and complex question! There is so much happening in these interactions between you and your partner, and I imagine, internally for each of you in those moments. This could be a chapter in a book!  I love this question because I have had disorganized tendencies in my partnerships and my partner has had anxious tendencies in theirs. So I really get the struggle and know the pain, but to share some of the nuggets my partner and I have learned is a joy for me, so thank you!

 The best place to start in these situations is mega kindness, empathy, and maybe some celebration(?!) for yourself and your partner. My sense of experiences like these is that both parties are touching some very old patterns that have deep relational roots. These patterns formed in early relationships and it is in relationships that they are revealed and ultimately worked with (and through). If you both have gone from “Ok lets just leave each other alone when this comes up” to “Ok lets try to find a way through this together,” then I see that as grounds for celebration. In my eyes, the courage it takes to keep showing up with another human is an act of love in itself - both for yourself and each other!

 I imagine that this relationship is different in some very fundamental ways than the relationships you were raised in. I bet there is a level of safety that a deeper part of you knows which supports you to keep trying to find a way through the conflict. So to remember that any effort you put forth is about healing your own patterns so you can be freer internally and to love more fully will be very important. Of course we often want relationships to work out and last a long time, but ultimately we are not in control of the outcome.  I believe just trying to grow in love and courage, together and individually, is a beautiful intention for any relationship.

 Continue to show up as much as you can in those moments, but it is equally as loving to say to your partner, “I know you would like to me to help right now with what you’re feeling, but I need 30 minutes to take a walk and connect to myself (or eat dinner, or go for a bike ride, or walk the dog).” Remember to have compassion because this stuff is deep and can be hard to navigate!

 As far as forgetting that engaging might be more helpful than leaving them alone, be gentle with yourself. The forgetting that you experience might be more like “checking out.” Or about getting overwhelmed and your system just going on autopilot.  A revealing, and annoying inquiry can be “I make myself forget so that…” which gets folks in touch with the unconscious motivations behind these seemingly autopilot reactions. But once it becomes conscious, it’s harder to keep forgetting, at least in my experience!

 I don’t know much about what gets your partner to be short with you, but if I’m short with my partner it can be because I’ve neglecting myself and need to ask: “What would I like to do right now?” or “What would bring me the most pleasure right now?” These questions help me take to focus off my partner and to remember myself. This can be especially hard if I perceive that pulling away to care for myself will make my anxious partner more anxious. So getting reassurance that it’s safe to focus just on myself from my partner is invaluable.

On the other hand, if the reason I’m short is because I am feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed, or ashamed than I need to turn towards support from my partner (if they are available in that moment). This can be very hard to do because often the historical story for a person with disorganized tendencies is that it’s unsafe to be that close and that vulnerable with another person, but to deeply crave it. To have the experience of a loving partner met us in those vulnerable places with acceptance is super corrective and creates greater security internally and in our partnership.  

 My hope for you is that maybe one-day when your partner is short with you you will know it’s not about you, and that this is part of the unfolding of their healing journey, and that it’s safe to stay present. And that one-day when your partner is feeling lots of feelings they will be able to have the clarity to share with you what they need or want from a place of self-love and compassion. Remember these patterns are often old and deep so be gentle with the timeline and know slow is a good pace! I trust that even though it’s messy as hell, and you might not figure out any big answer today, that it’s worth it to keep trying and seeing where this path will lead you individually and together.

 

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Asking for a Friend is for informational purposes only, does not constitute as medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional psychotherapy advice. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let Karolina Walsh use it—in part or in full—and they may edit it for length and/or clarity.