#060 - Dating with Disorganized Attachment

When I was in grad school a teacher asked the folks in the class to raise their hands to indicate which attachment style they most identified with. For most of us at the beginning of our grad school experience we were just starting to learn what attachment style meant. We “knew” that secure attachment was the best and anything else was bad. Beyond that, very few of us understood the nuances of attachment styles. So those who raised their hand as being securely attached were given the stink eye, because competitiveness in grad school extends to attachment styles too! And those of us who were one of the other insecure styles just accepted our fate of having trouble in intimate relationships.

A brief description of attachment, how I think of it, is that there are basically four categories.  Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. Traditionally folks are lumped into a category and that is your identity, at least attachment identity. But I see attachment as much more dynamic and situational. Depending on the person, your personal resources, and the dynamics in a relationship you can present in different ways.

One way to understand this is the model presented by Diane Poole Heller. In her model we are a combination of secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized traits, typically illustrated by a pie chart. To take her attachment quiz (which I highly recommend) click on this link https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/

Typically, when looking at these four attachment styles, disorganized attachment is the most complex to work with. Folks with a high percentage of disorganized attachment often feel a push/pull in relationship to intimacy. They yearn for intimacy, but when it is available there can be intense fear, panic, terror, rage, grief, and overwhelm. This can lead to panic attacks, destructive behavior, intense somatic reactions (diarrhea, vomiting, shaking, and/or powerful body sensations). The process of coming into relationship and working through this attachment element is difficult. This is because the conflict happening inside the individual between the longing for closeness and the intense need for relational safety is so overwhelming.

This style often originates as a result of a push/pull relationship with a primary caregiver in childhood. The child had an innate need for closeness and safety, but the caregiver was abusive, critical, domineering, violating, or unpredictable. As a result the child had to try to resolve an irresolvable situation: to get their needs of connection and safety met, with an unpredictable and/or dangerous caregiver. This leads to the feeling of an irresolvable situation with panic and terror as the outcome of pursuing intimacy.

So how the hell does one work through this just to try to go on a date with someone!? Below I’m going to outline some ideas for you to try if you’re having trouble with dating and disorganized attachment has shown up as an element in your attachment mix.  

1.     Kindness: This is number one without a shadow of a doubt! Without some ability to hold your reactions in a sense of kindness it will further the conflict and shame inside when you have a strong reaction to closeness. Meditation, which can be any practice that gets you observing the movement of energy in your body with a sense of curiosity, will be vitally important to cultivation kindness.

2.    Think!: Ok so I’m a somatic therapist, I know we’re not “supposed” to be thinking but using our minds to support our greater progress is very important! The problem with disorganized attachment is the body sensations are so overwhelming and they point towards danger, life threatening danger, when intimacy is available. In our culture we’re supposed to “follow our heart or gut” or “just know” if someone is right for us. But when we’re having a panic attack and diarrhea when getting ready for a date, then what do we do? Use your cognition and ask yourself does this person show up, respond to texts and phone calls, have boundaries, is consistent, cares about your needs, and takes care of themselves? If there is a majority of yes’s then know it’s “safe enough” to try and see where the relationship might go.

3.     Containment: Somatically one of the reasons for the panic attacks and contracting in the stomach and heart is a need for boundaries and safety. With disorganized attachment safety is experienced as away from other people, by being in absolute control in a relationship, or by rejecting personal needs to meet the needs of the other. A more sustainable way to create this safety is identifying (like write these things down!) what you are up for and not up for in the upcoming date. If it’s a first date maybe you are up for one hour of coffee, then a hug good-bye if you like the person. On a second date, lunch and walk around the lake, then going home. Make these commitments to yourself so there is some safety you are creating in yourself (which is ultimately where you will feel the most safe!).

4.     Practice Partner Agreement: This one is a bit unorthodox but so helpful! A practice partner agreement can be used in any relationship and could be helpful if you decide someone is interesting to explore further with. This agreement is written down stating what the relationship is NOT, what each person is up for, and what the timeline for the agreement is. So for example the initial agreement my partner and I set up was: We are not moving towards a traditional monogamous partnership, we are up for exploring dating and practicing boundaries, and we will reevaluate in 3 weeks. This type of containment can help the disorganized person take a small bite of intimacy without feeling overwhelmed with future plans. It also takes deciding if you can live with someone who eats like that for the rest of your life off the table…just see if you can handle it for 3 weeks!

5.     Relational Psychotherapy: If you are especially haunted by navigating intimacy, or are coming off another painful breakup you might want to consider trying some relational psychotherapy. There are so many types of psychotherapy, and each of them can be relational in their own ways. But, finding a psychotherapist who is up for navigating the inevitable conflicts and transference/countertransference that comes up in a therapeutic relationship, regardless of the modality, will be invaluable. This has been very helpful for me on my journey because there is a lot of room to experiment in the relational container without all the complexities of navigating day-to-day life. Think of this type of relationship as practice, an incredibly valuable practice in fully sharing yourself with another, letting them matter deeply to you, while in a safe and boundaried container, powerful!

In this process my wish for you is not that you figure it all out or find the secret key, but to be very much open to the process of undoing yourself and becoming yourself. To me the gifts of disorganized attachment is that I must develop a way to not take myself so seriously, to allow every sensation and emotion but not identify with them, and to watch the flow of energy through me. I have found I’m in far less control of the flow of life than I want to admit, and in that I am consistently surprised where life is leading me. So remember you may not figure it all out, but if you attempt to relate to yourself with curiosity and kindness you will gain a deeper ability to relate to whoever or whatever shows up!