Somatic, Relational, Trauma Therapist Specializing In LGBTQIA, Disorganized Attachment, & Relationship Issues
In psychology there is a bias towards working through hard things. This makes sense since a lot of the reason people enter therapy is to get unstuck, and this often means working through hard stuff. But (while it may seem counterintuitive), there are some folks who need permission to leave, take a break, be alone, etc in order to get unstuck.
Read MoreMy partner recently lost their father, whom they have had not contact for may years. Though his death was coming for a long time it was still a shock. My partner has left to be back with family and take care of things related to their dad’s passing. I have the tendency to want to help too much or fix how they’re feeling, which I am working on in myself with a therapist. This situation is very hard, though, because my partner has a hard time asking for what they need/want, and I have a hard time with the unknown and not having a specific direction to follow. I have just been saying, “I’m here for you, let me know what you need, I love you, this totally sucks, I’m giving you a virtual hug and kiss,” etc. Trying to not save them, but let them be where they are. I have been really sad at home alone and not hearing from them much, and I’m wondering if you have any advice on how to be there for my partner and also for myself at the same time?
Read MoreUnfortunately, these images of a perfect relationship set up an almost insurmountable obstacle, because people aren’t perfect! That’s just a reality, and lots of stuff needs to be navigated in most relationships. So this idea of what are you willing to give up for true love is a great question because there is a lot to give up. But not what you think…
Read MoreIt seems to me that if we lived in a culture where gender-affirming surgeries were acknowledged as life saving and the barriers to these surgeries were removed then the pain of having to postpone would be more manageable. I imagine all the barriers to getting these surgeries, and the prejudice from the medical community towards trans folks, makes these reasonable delays feel like another rejection and create more desperation.
Read MoreHi Karolina,
My partner has a disorganized attachment style and I have an anxious attachment style. Sometimes when we are triggered it feels like I’m being pushed away energetically, often through shortness in our interactions. My response is usually to give them lots of space and not engage, which worked best for us in the past. But now we are learning that my partner actually needs me to move closer, ask them about it, and connect. I struggle to do this because of my upbringing – if someone was upset it was best for me to stay out of the way. I know my partner wants more engagement when they are upset, but I can’t recall that in the moment and have the complete opposite reaction. It has been coming up for us a lot, we keep seeing the pattern but not much is changing in the moments. What are your suggestions for us?
Read MoreOne of the most useful tools for learning and growing throughout my personal and professional development as a psychotherapist has been to ask for support. I have had supervisors, mentors, and guides who have gone before me in so many ways who I turn towards when I need help. In the time of coronavirus many people are in very unique circumstances, money can be tight, we’re living in much closer quarters than ever before, and the future is uncertain. This time is ripe for all sorts of issues to arise interpersonally and intrapersonally.
Read MoreMy own experience with sex has been a long journey, which still continues. I started out not knowing anything about sex and it being treated in my family and in my religion as a purely procreative act. Pleasure, consent, desire, and fun were not mentioned in any sex talk or education I received. Also being queer and non-binary didn’t add any more ease to it since these were invisible and unspoken identities. As I grew up I created a sexual identity that more closely resembled a masculinity found in R-rated movies and what I heard my cis male friends were doing. All this had very little to do with me and what I wanted and more to do with performance and power.
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Have you ever noticed that when you're reuniting with your partner after being apart for the day or a few days that you feel a bit (or actually a lot!) anxious? Cognitively you know you love this person and enjoy being with them but you get a bit twitchy as you’re heading to see them? Then right as your about to reunite its really uncomfortable, you might feel confused or disoriented inside and maybe a little scared or angry? These are all signs that you might have some trouble with transitions, that this coming together could be an especially difficult time, and might explain why there is more fighting and feelings of disconnection during your reunions.
Read MoreI know the experience of anxiety deeply, and about the running from it as well. The body sensations, energetic experiences, hot racing thoughts, and the drive to fix it, or collapse in the face of it, are all familiar to me. I often ask folks to slow down when they say they are anxious so we can find out, together, what they are feeing somatically. Often it is a fast energy, with contracted points in the body, and if not handled gently can escalate to panic pretty fast. No wonder we, as a culture, want to do anything we can to not feel these particularly frightening sensations!
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When I was in grad school a teacher asked the folks in the class to raise their hands to indicate which attachment style they most identified with. For most of us at the beginning of our grad school experience we were just starting to learn what “attachment style” meant. We “knew” that secure attachment was the best and anything else was bad. Beyond that, very few of us understood the nuances of attachment styles. So those who raised their hand as being securely attached were given the stink eye, because competitiveness in grad school extends to attachment styles too!
Read MoreI know my own journey with gut trust has been fraught with lots of issues. I had an over active gut that saw danger in the subtlest of things: emotional intimacy, physical closeness, touch. To walk through the world knowing that these intimacies are vitally important for my overall health, and to know on another level that my gut was saying “Run away, defend, quickly!” brought about a lot of pain and grief.
Read MoreLonging is often seen as something to be avoided. This feeling is so uncomfortable that folks will do anything to avoid the achy, hot, unresolvable mess that is longing. To long for something is to be so vulnerable. It is to open to what we most long for, while knowing that if we felt the depth of our longing it would overwhelm us. So we tame and placate our longing.
Read MoreProbably one of the subtler forms of “checking out” most folks do is in thinking about their bodies, rather than experiencing the preset moment sensations in their bodies. For most folks the body is a minefield; overwhelming sensations, memories, numbness, deadness, and invisible parts all make experiencing the body fraught with danger. But the body is also where we experience pleasure, joy, lightness, depth, tenderness, love, and inspiration.
Read MoreWithin the therapeutic relationship acts of relational triumph can occur which translate to the clients world outside the office. Witnessing the transformative power of literally going with, emotionally and somatically, my clients to the most terrifying places in the psychic realm humbles me. The places of overwhelm, panic, and dissociation are the places where these acts of triumph live, but we must go together.
Read MoreWhen I was younger just getting into recovery and self-healing work I was very immature. I figured all I had to do was find the right mindset, mantra, prayer, or belief, work really hard at keeping it in my mind and all would be well. So I would find a really cool idea or phrase, which had given me some relief, and squeeze every ounce of serenity out of it till I was sweating and bleeding everywhere (metaphorically of course!).
Read MoreI remember being in my first few months of private practice and after a tender and heartfelt session my client stood up to leave and hadn’t paid me. I had no idea what to do, what was the right thing to say that honored our work together and honored that I got bills to pay? I felt the conflict of a new therapist; I loved this work, cared for my clients, and needed to pay my bills!
Read MoreWhen I am working with clients we are often working in the world of attachment. This world is full of vast deserts, moist holes in the earth, dark caves, fertile valleys, raging oceans, choppy lakes, and rich mountains. The landscape of this world is unique to each person, and yet the themes connect in many ways given folk’s history and experiences.
Read MoreWe all have to make decisions everyday, from what to wear, to what to eat, to what to say in particular situations. And some folks are especially sensitive to perceived criticism around their decisions. This can also show up as a strong internal critic that gets on your case if you make the “wrong” decision, and in the same breath will give you a hard time for being “weak” and indecisive when not taking action
Read MoreA tact, which is useful, involves not transcending the problems of humanness but descending into the muck of life and welcoming it home. One way of thinking of this process is imagining that these painful experiences and parts of ourselves are things which need to be welcomed home, and not just welcomed home and shoved in the basement, but given a seat at the table of our life.
Read MoreLove relationships, for some people, can feel confusing and overwhelming. We’re inundated with pop culture messages on what love looks like, feels like, and a common formula for how the progression of relationships should go. A few familiar troupes are the “I just knew the moment I saw them!” story or the “This is so intense there must be something amazing here!” story, and in more new age communities “This person is triggering the...
Read MoreProviding psychotherapy, counseling, and support for grief, addictions, trauma, PTSD, relationship issues, and GLBTQIA.
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