My partner recently lost their father, whom they have had not contact for may years. Though his death was coming for a long time it was still a shock. My partner has left to be back with family and take care of things related to their dad’s passing. I have the tendency to want to help too much or fix how they’re feeling, which I am working on in myself with a therapist. This situation is very hard, though, because my partner has a hard time asking for what they need/want, and I have a hard time with the unknown and not having a specific direction to follow. I have just been saying, “I’m here for you, let me know what you need, I love you, this totally sucks, I’m giving you a virtual hug and kiss,” etc. Trying to not save them, but let them be where they are. I have been really sad at home alone and not hearing from them much, and I’m wondering if you have any advice on how to be there for my partner and also for myself at the same time?
Hi there my friend,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing this question. It sounds like your partner is going through a very difficult time. Not only the passing of a parent, but also the passing of a parent they were estranged from. This probably falls under the definition of complex grief, where many of the feelings are complicated and overwhelming. And in my experience when feelings are complicated and overwhelming it is so difficult to understand what is going on and how to communicate needs and feelings.
Desiring to support someone during such a painful life experience, while not knowing what will help or how to show up, is also scary and confusing. And on top of needing to be apart, probably without all the support you might be used to having pre-pandemic, this can make for a very difficult time.
Your question of how to be there for your partner and for yourself is speaking to the fundamental question of relationship that often gets highlighted during difficult times, how can we be connected and separate? How can I love and be in close connection with you without losing myself? These questions are identifying two very basic needs: connection and autonomy. Most folks have both these needs, but often one need will be more prominent in one person over the other. This can be because of life experience and also personality.
When we are going through a very difficult time we will often fall back into what is comfortable and familiar. Which looks like thinking “I have to do this all alone, and if anyone sees me in the vulnerable place I’ll just lose it.” Or, “I can’t handle this, I can’t do this, I need someone to make this better for me.” In both extremes there is wisdom. On one hand we need to be able to have the self-worth and self-trust to know we can make it through things that are painful. To increase our capacity for all the experiences of life, painful and pleasurable, while growing a deep trust in ourselves. On the other hand we heal these deep wounds of abandonment and loss in connection with a loving other. When we can allow someone to witness us, hold us, and meet us in these incredibly vulnerable places deep healing can occur that ultimately leads to greater safety and trust in ourselves and the world.
When these needs are showing up in a more painful way it can look like pushing away or holding on so tight. So how do we do both? How to let those safe-enough others in when we’re hurting and how to let others go and come back to ourselves when we need live our own journeys? In my experience all this stuff takes quite a bit of courage.
This is the kind of courage to look really closely at ourselves and be willing to see where do I get stuck in myself, what are the stories I tell to myself that are so familiar and ultimately not helpful? Like maybe someone had a parent who was chronically ill or depressed, and everything they did to help never made anything any better. So they tried and tried to help, but eventually they just gave up and became resentful or they sacrificed their own freedom to be there for the parent in case they were needed. So in adult relationships when a partner is hurting it’s so difficult to stay present because all this history gets triggered. So then what would be helpful or useful is so hard to figure out, because it gets all confusing inside! So giving lots of internal space for the pain to reveal the old story/belief that is ready to shift and having to courage to let it go.
Ultimately the outcome of relationships and situations is often far outside our control. But we do have this deep responsibility to choose how we want to be in our relationships. What do we want to do with the challenges that arise? What belief or story is this situation helping me let go of? If we can become clearer the right action will arise from our intuition and knowingness. And sometimes (maybe a lot of times!) we realize not so much needs to be done. That being a loving presence with the other while letting go of how we think it needs to look can be so helpful. Because sometimes life is painful and that’s what its supposed to be for awhile while things are changing and getting worked out.
It seems to me you are on the right track to notice your discomfort and sadness. To look deeper within and feel the pain that arises for you and be with it. Not to change it or make it go away but to be present with yourself in a radical way that your partners absence is making known. That pain has probably always been there and its getting highlighted by the situation, which totally sucks but can be such a gift! Loving your partner, which is probably such a gift for them (even if they have a hard time receiving), is so necessary when grief is present. Creating the loving space and consistency you are doing is a beautiful gift, so keep remembering that is enough.
If you want your question answered, write me a brief explanation of a question, including some back story, and I’ll get on it!*
Asking for a Friend is for informational purposes only, does not constitute as medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional psychotherapy advice. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let Karolina Walsh use it—in part or in full—and they may edit it for length and/or clarity.
Karolina Walsh Psychotherapy
Providing psychotherapy, counseling, and support for grief, addictions, trauma, PTSD, relationship issues, and GLBTQIA.
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