#062 - Relational transistions with disorganized attachment

Have you ever noticed that when you're reuniting with your partner after being apart for the day or a few days that you feel a bit (or actually a lot!) anxious? Cognitively you know you love this person and enjoy being with them but you get a bit twitchy as you’re heading to see them? Then right as your about to reunite its really uncomfortable, you might feel confused or disoriented inside and maybe a little scared or angry? These are all signs that you might have some trouble with transitions, that this coming together could be an especially difficult time, and might explain why there is more fighting and feelings of disconnection during your reunions. 

Most people find big transitions to be fairly difficult, like changing jobs, moving, getting divorced or married. These major life transitions are stressful and often overwhelming since the very foundation of life changes; who you live with, where you work, where you live. These smaller transitions can be difficult too, like getting out the door in the morning (or even getting out of bed!) or coming home to your partner in the evening and transitioning from being alone to being together. 

I have experienced, and seen in my clients, the confusing discomfort of navigating these small everyday transitions. When Mary Ainsworth created the “Strange Situation” study she separated children between the ages 12-18 months from their mother for a brief period then reunited them. During the separation and reunion the child was observed to see how they reacted. As this study was duplicated and expanded on four attachment styles emerged: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. 

What’s interesting is that the attachment styles were identified during these transition moments. It’s almost like these transition times are when we are the most vulnerable and can give us a look into the underlying mechanisms at work in our attachment systems. For those who have disorganized attachment as part of your attachment systems learning how to navigate transitions will be a key to having an easier time in relationships and with yourself. If you don’t know your attachment style take this quiz to see what percentage of your attachment system is secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized  https://traumasolution.wpengine.com/attachment-test/.

For someone with disorganized elements they may find small everyday transitions difficult and confusing especially when reuniting with a loved one. Here are some things to try to help integrate and lessen the pain of these vulnerable times. 

1. Talk to your partner: This one might feel pretty vulnerable but so important! If your partner can understand that this is a vulnerable time for you then y’all can come up with ideas together to find out what works in your partnership. And your partner can share how they feel in those reunion times, which might even help them to ask for what they need too. Finding solutions that honor all needs will be especially important.

2. Reassure yourself: Autoregulation is a wonderful skill to keep practicing and it gets easier with time remember that! When you’re on your way home remind yourself that when you start to feel anxious or overwhelmed that transitions are hard for you and this will pass. It’s not an indicator there is something wrong with your current relationship, but something that will take time to learn how to navigate and find what works for you. You are not broken and neither are your relationships.

3. A long hug: Ok so this may be a harder one too, mostly because it's about contact and a part of you may feel like it's pretty scary. Basically this is to help the part of you that feels confused and scared around closeness. Historically folks with disorganized attachment were around caregivers that were scary at times, and at other times available for the deep connection the child needed. Hence the confusing feelings of wanting to be close, but also scared or angry to be close. A long hug right when you see your partner, until both people relax and settle, will help this. It’s saying to your body this touch, this closeness is safe to let go into. Talk with your partner before hand and see if they’re up for trying then give it a go, it might feel awkward at first, but it might help your nervous system settle.

4. Ground through the body: If you pay attention during these transition times you may notice what the energy feels like in your body. Maybe it's a buzzy energy that makes you feel all jittery inside. Or a heavy energy with a tinge of frustration. Or a tightness in your chest and/or throat. All of this is very good information, its showing you where the energy is stuck and where it’s moving. Energy wants to move, but we each have our patterns that keep it contained and often stuck, so we keep going through these cycles of anxiety. We may have found if we push our partner away during these transitions we can create an argument and that helps get the energy out. Or we show up late, or distracted, and play out a neurotic cycle with our partner rather than squarely face the intense energy in our body about getting close. If you can stay connected through your body via awareness of body sensation you have a chance of doing something different. Even just saying “I’m feeling really insecure right now and need to slow down this transition” will do wonders for a new experience to emerge rather than the habitual ways of running from what’s uncomfortable. 

5. Remind yourself you want this: What is the “this” in this statement you might ask? It’s closeness, connection, to matter to someone, and let them matter to you. It can be easy to forget that all this is for you, not really for your partner, but for you to live with more ease and confidence in the world. Helping to soften these edges around relationship can create a much nicer world to live in. It’s easy to forget navigating all this discomfort is a gift for yourself, especially if you were smothered or overwhelmed by the needs of a parent. If that’s the case for you then you may forget to ground yourself in what it is you really want and to keep coming back to this. This is ultimately for you and no one else!

Take some time to study and become curious about your styles and the styles of your partner during transitions. Most likely if you’ve been acting unconsciously and these transitions have been difficult you may face some uncomfortable feelings while trying something different. I know I have! I know the fear and anxiety, and a bunch of the strategies that have kept me stuck over the years. But the good thing is that all this can shift, there can be more ease and a sense of confidence that comes from navigating all this. Which makes it all the more sweeter because you know you worked hard to get there!