Relationship Issues

 

 
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Intimate relationships, whether emotional, physical, or a combinations of the two, often bring the most joy and the most pain to people's lives. You may find yourself in a relationship with someone who has qualities you really enjoy and other parts of them which really trigger you. You may find yourself in a push/pull relationship where you and your partner are doing the back and forth dance, breaking up and getting back together over and over again. Or maybe you find yourself having emotional affairs with people who have other partners, with you always on the outside looking in. There are so many variations of how we come into relationship with other people and what may work for someone else may not work for you, and vice versa. Given all the nuances of relationship, and how we as individuals are so different, it seems important to note that there is not one easy solution to finding happiness with another person.

You may read all the blurbs on Facebook citing the "10 indicators you are in a healthy relationship," or "5 ways to find your soulmate" and still have trouble finding what works for you. Reading the magazine covers in the checkout line it seems everyone has a solution for finding lasting happiness in relationship and you're coming up short every time. You may tell yourself: "I'm broken, I can't be in a relationship" or "There is no one out there for me" or even "If only she/he would change then this relationship would work!" Whatever specific statement you tell yourself about intimate relationship much of it boils down to a longing and desire to be in an intimate relationship that feels fulfilling, satisfying and loving. This longing and desire is your ticket to finding what you really want and need.  The core of this longing and desire will ultimately lead you to your own happiness, whether you're in a relationship or not. 

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This may sound very theoretical to you and you may be wondering how longing and desire will help you find what you want. The basic idea is that longing and desire are basic human experiences, whether its for another human, a job, a house, a car, a dessert. We must first say to ourselves and to the world this is what I want in my relationship, or this is what I want in a relationship. After this is named then we are on the way to find out what blocks us from getting what we really want. Often these blocks are hidden when we focus on the shortcomings of our partners or ourselves. Yet these blocks are illuminated when approached with compassion and a sincere wish to come into authentic relationship with ourselves and others. 

I have special training with Virginia Satir's family systems model and also with Applied Existential Psychotherapy both of which are specifically developed to help align individuals with themselves and with their deeper needs for healthy and loving connection. This training along with my own unique path of personal relationships has lead me to view relationship as a path to healing. I view my own personal triumphs and challenges in relationships as information and experience that benefit my clients. I have the experience of knowing we all have a unique path with intimate relationships and that as we open up to our own needs, desires, and longings we have a better chance of finding happiness with others.