#060 - Dating with Disorganized Attachment

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#060 - Dating with Disorganized Attachment

When I was in grad school a teacher asked the folks in the class to raise their hands to indicate which attachment style they most identified with. For most of us at the beginning of our grad school experience we were just starting to learn what “attachment style” meant. We “knew” that secure attachment was the best and anything else was bad. Beyond that, very few of us understood the nuances of attachment styles. So those who raised their hand as being securely attached were given the stink eye, because competitiveness in grad school extends to attachment styles too!

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#058 - Longing for union

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#058 - Longing for union

Longing is often seen as something to be avoided. This feeling is so uncomfortable that folks will do anything to avoid the achy, hot, unresolvable mess that is longing. To long for something is to be so vulnerable. It is to open to what we most long for, while knowing that if we felt the depth of our longing it would overwhelm us. So we tame and placate our longing.

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#033 - Making room for Disconnection

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#033 - Making room for Disconnection

Most of my life I have been pretty distant, fairly aloof. I did not want to feel the pain that came from human connection. I developed tools and methods to keep people at arms length. This felt like the best way of doing things, I was safe and they were safe from me. Underlying these actions were deep and powerful beliefs about safety and about my worthiness. On the surface these behaviors and beliefs point towards someone afraid of connection, scared of the closeness inherent in human relationships.  Though on the surface this may be true the deeper issue is a fear of disconnection.

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#022 - Relationships: When Getting Close Feels Scary

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#022 - Relationships: When Getting Close Feels Scary

Your partner reaches out to you, holds extended eye contact, or even wants to make plans for a few days from now and you get that tightening in your stomach. Your not sure why but there is that jump in your belly and the associated feeling that something is bad or wrong. Logically you see there is no reason to be afraid in this moment, you know this is a good person who would not intentionally harm you, but the nagging feeling of imminent danger or mistrust of this person is very present.  Sometimes you can shake off this brief impulse to run and get away, other times it signals a landslide of panic and fear that takes you over.  

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#019 - Relationships: Room to Come and Go

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#019 - Relationships: Room to Come and Go

Has your partner ever said to you, “Babe, I need some space tonight.”? Then your knee jerk reaction is something like anxiety, anger, dread, or fear? If so, then congratulations you are in a relationship in which you are connected enough to have your core issues arise!  While no one likes to feel these deep issues of abandonment they are often hanging around right under the surface unconsciously driving your behavior. 

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